Riptide
by oliverqsmoak
Summary: What if Tobias didn't leave for the Factionless headquarters to try to stop the conflict between Marcus and Evelyn? What if he turned around and found Tris?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:**

**Hi! First of all, I'd like to say: I hope you enjoy this fanfic. It's been years since I've written. English isn't my native language, so I hope I don't make a lot of mistakes. Anyway, I hope you like it.**

TOBIAS

I couldn't do it. I couldn't just leave Tris behind after everything. We needed to do this together, to bear it together, before it tore us apart. We've been through a lot together and I didn't want to lose Tris. She knew that. God, she definitely knew that. The thing she didn't know was that I did not leave for the Factionless headquarters. Something inside of me, the old Abnegation part of me, screamed that it was selfish. Selfish to not think about others, selfish because I was trying to protect Tris instead of ending the conflict between Marcus and Evelyn. Too selfish to stop an upcoming war. I knew I wasn't. Deep down inside I always knew that. I knew I was trying to do the right thing. And right now, the right thing was to protect the one person I truly loved.  
The shot was sharp, the screams louder and the panic unbearable. I couldn't think straight, didn't want to at this moment. All I could think of was Tris. Always Tris.  
People were screaming, running around. Chaos everywhere.  
'Tris!' I shouted. Half in panic, half out of breath. I've never run so fast in my whole life. Couldn't help myself. I needed to find her.  
When I finally found Caleb I couldn't hold myself any longer, and of course because I didn't like Caleb.  
'Where's Tris?' I yelled as I pulled him to his feet. He looked at me with pain in his eyes. He was supposed to go in there. He. Not Tris.  
'Tr… Tris went for me instead,' he told me while tears were running down his cheeks. Caleb was an ugly crier and a horrible person for doing this.  
'You should have stopped her!' I yelled. Angrier this time. Of course I was angry. We had it all figured out. We had a goddamn plan. Caleb was supposed to do this. He even agreed doing this. It was his responsibility, not Tris'.  
Caleb continued crying, uglier this time. I didn't want to pay attention to him anymore, I had to find Tris.  
Without thinking I ran inside ignoring Caleb's screams that it was dangerous. I didn't care. Why should I? If I lose Tris I will lose a part of me. A part Tris created.

'Tris!' I shouted. I couldn't see anything, it was too dark. If only I could find the light switch. 'Tris, please!' I was starting to freak out, something you learn not to do in Dauntless. But this wasn't Dauntless anymore. This was way more different than Dauntless. Dauntless would be familiar, home, safe, I've been there for years. In situations like this I wish this was just my fear landscape. If it was I could just control my breath, I could face my fear and then jump to the next one. Sadly, it wasn't. It was reality, the painful, dangerous reality. Something they tried to hide us from. Sometimes I wish they still did, but I wouldn't want to disappoint Tris.  
My hands were searching the walls for a light switch. Unfortunately, I wasn't familiar in this room, I mean, who was? After a few minutes, which seemed like hours, I finally found the light switch. Then it occurred to me that the room was small. I always thought it would be bigger.  
Then I found her, lying completely still on the floor. I didn't know what to do. What if…? 'NO!' I said to myself. 'Don't think like that.'  
I rushed over to her and slowly scooped her up. I noticed that she was still breathing and thanked god for that, even though her breath wasn't steady anymore, she was still alive and that's what kept me going.  
Caleb was still crying when I got out and cried even more when he saw Tris. 'I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.' He kept repeating it over and over again, only stopped to catch his breath and then continued. I didn't even mind to say something to him. The only thing I could think about right now was Tris. Always Tris.  
Besides Caleb and Matthew no one was there, which was strange, but I didn't have the time to overthink it.  
Matthew rushed toward me and explained which way didn't take long toward to hospital. No one said anything on our way. The only sound I heard were Caleb's cries and his apologies. Every word he said made me angrier, every tear he shed made me want to punch him. But I couldn't. If he had gone into that room, Tris wouldn't be hurt. If only…

'Someone help us!' Matthew yelled. Even though no one was there when I found Caleb and Tris, there were people here. Another thing to thank someone for.

A man, a doctor I suppose, rushed toward us and took Tris from me. Before I could even protest he was gone. I felt devastated and much more. I didn't know what to feel, didn't want to feel like the small Tobias who got hit my his father's belt. Who tried to grit his teeth through the pain and fought against the tears. That person belongs to the past. I didn't want to be him anymore, but somehow I was. He belonged to me, I knew he did, he was a part of me, a part I was willing to forget. Neither Matthew nor Caleb said anything. The silence was deafening and I couldn't bear it anymore. I wanted to be with Tris, I wanted Tris to be okay.  
Slowly, without really realising, I sank through my knees to the floor and pulled my knees up to my chest.

Since I was young, I have always known this: Life damages us, every one. We can't escape that damage. But now, I am also learning this: We can be mended. We mend each other. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: Thank you so much for your kind reviews. I hope you keep liking it and of course I hope I keep pleasing you. I don't know what I should think about this chapter. I'm not good at writing doctors and hospital stuff, so I hope it went okay. Enjoy!**

TOBIAS

'Tobias?' Someone shook my shoulder. My mind was fighting the sleep away and I couldn't place the voice right away.  
'Tobias? Someone wants to talk to you,' the person said. 'It's about Tris.' Her name, that small word, made me open my eyes quickly. I was wide awake. It was Matthew who kept shaking my shoulder.  
'What's wrong?' I asked. Panic raged through my veins. I was terrified. It had been hours. Doctors were rushing in and out and whispering things to each other. It made me want to scream. Eventually I lost my fight against the sleep. I didn't know what they were doing, didn't want to know, the only thing I wanted to know if she was okay. She had to be.  
'Are you Tobias?' Someone asked. It was a middle-aged man, staring at me. He moved forward to me and shook my hand. I tried to act normal, but I couldn't. So many nerves.  
'Yes… Yes, I am,' I said.  
'Come, just take a seat,' he said, gesturing toward the chairs. 'No,' My insides screamed. 'This is not good, NOT good!'  
'It was hard, to be honest. You know Tris can fight against serums, her body is immune to most of them,' he said. 'But this serum was different, harder for her body to fight against it. It was to protect the room against intruders. No one could fight against it, that's why David chose this serum. This death serum. To protect the belongings.'  
I didn't know what to think. A death serum. Yeah I knew what it was, we've discussed it. We knew it was dangerous. That's why Caleb was supposed to do this.  
'Tris her body is strong,' he continued. 'Her mind even stronger. She tried to fight against the serum, but the serum was too strong. You were right in time. It couldn't have taken more time. Tris her body is very weak and will stay weak, it'll take time for her to heal because the serum was so strong.' I couldn't believe him. Everyone said it was impossible to fight against the death serum, that's why it's called a DEATH serum. But Tris did it. My Tris did it.  
'Can I… Can I see her?' I asked. I didn't know if it was appropriate to ask this. It was normal, right? I had to see her, I had to see if she was okay with my own eyes.  
'Yes, of course, but keep it quiet, she needs to recover,' he said. He stood up and took me to her room at the end of the hallway. There weren't that much rooms.  
He opened the door and told me she could wake up, but if was rare if she did right away. It could take days.  
I closed the door and walked over to her. She looked so peacefully, so pale, so unlike the Tris I knew. I wanted to lie down next to her, to wrap her in my arms and stroke her hair and tell her that everything would be fine. That I was here. That I would fight everyone that came close to her. I wanted to protect her, but right now I couldn't. She had to fight this battle alone. She had to recover on her own. How badly I wanted to do this for her, I couldn't. Tris was strong, she was stronger than someone I've ever known.  
I stroked her hair behind her ear and kissed her forehead. Without even realising I lay down next to her. I couldn't help myself. I just wanted to be near her, wanted to feel her, wanted to protect her and enjoy every moment I could with her, even though she wasn't really here. Even though she was so weak and had to recover. I needed to be with her.

TRIS

The pain was unbearable. Breathing hurt. It felt like I had jumped into the Chasm over and over again. I wasn't drowning, but I wasn't swimming either. It felt like the stream was taking me away but never close enough to the shore.  
I tried to breath really deep, but everything hurt. What happened? Then I remembered. The death serum. The Abnegation part in me screamed that I had to take Caleb's place. I had to do it. It felt like I was floating between consciousness.  
'I didn't want to leave you, Tobias,' I thought.  
'Tris?' Someone asked. It occurred to me that I hadn't thought it. I actually whispered it. 'Tris, please?' It was Tobias. It took me a few seconds to recognize his voice. My mind wasn't working and I felt so tired, but I had to fight it. I had to open my eyes.  
My eyes opened slowly, but closed the second they saw the light. Everything was too bright.  
I felt arms around me and for I felt safe. Tobias always knew how to protect me, he always knew what I needed.  
'Tobias…?' I whispered. My throat hurt and I didn't even recognize my voice, it cracked so much.  
'Tris? Oh god, Tris you're awake.' I didn't want to hurt him. I've never intended to hurt him. He tightened his arms around me, but all I could think of was the pain, instead of the pleasure his arms used to give me.  
'Hurts,' I breathed. I felt his arms moving directly, loosen their grip. 'I'm sorry,' He mumbled, stroking my forehead with his lips. 'I'm just so happy you're awake.'  
'How long have I been unconscious?' I asked. It felt like I was back during the initiation when I had lost my fight against Peter.  
'A day,' he said. 'The doctor said it could take days, he said it was rare for someone to wake up soon, but you are so strong Tris.' He kissed my forehead another time and it felt so safe, so peaceful. It made me forgot the pain for a few seconds. I didn't want to feel weak, to need someone, that wasn't like me.  
'I'm so sorry, Tobias,' I whispered. I tried to stop the tears from floating, but I didn't work. I wasn't a crier, I barely cried, but for leaving Tobias behind made me want to cry. 'I couldn't let Caleb do it. I'm so sorry.'  
'It's okay. You're safe now, it's over,' he said. It was a riptide of tears and I let them float. Tobias saw me crying before and he knew I barely cried. He stroked my hair and whispered soothing words. I didn't want to leave him again.


	3. Chapter 3

TRIS

After weeks the doctors finally let me go. They said my body was strong, but we knew that already. I knew I was strong. Tobias kept saying it over and over again. Tobias couldn't wait to take me home, to our faction, but I wasn't sure. The Compound was our home, too. It was my mom's home for a while and it felt so familiar. I wanted to know more, to do more, to be a part of this, but I knew I couldn't do anything right now.  
Even though the Compound was somehow our home, too, there's happened a lot. Uriah was still in a coma, Zeke and his mom didn't know that, Tobias was supposed to tell them, but he stayed here. Marcus and Evelyn were still fighting over the city and we didn't know where to start. We've lost Peter, who went to the city and we don't even know what he was planning to do. But right now, while the sun was rising and Tobias was snoring lightly and looked so peaceful over there. I wanted it to be this way forever, but I knew it could never be. Dauntless wasn't peaceful, but we could make it peaceful if we wanted to. Only Tobias and me.  
I stroke his cheek softly and places a kiss on his forehead. He stiffened for a moment and then opened his eyes slowly.  
'Good morning,' he said. 'I didn't know you were up so early.' I smiled. I couldn't sleep anymore because I knew we were going home today. We've been here for weeks and I missed Dauntless quite a bit. After the doctors released me from the hospital, Tobias and I got our own room. We were planning on going home for days now, but we couldn't just leave Uriah behind. The doctors weren't sure what to do, because he didn't wake up. We kept hoping for a miracle, but the hope kept getting smaller. Eventually we had to do something. The decision wasn't ours to make. We had to visit Zeke and Hana to inform them.  
'I couldn't sleep anymore,' I said. I tried to get of the bed but Tobias pressed me tightly against him.  
'Why didn't you wake me up?' He asked. He felt his breath tickle against my skin and it gave me butterflies. I loved this about mornings.  
'You looked so peacefully and I figured you needed some sleep,' I said. I felt his smile against my neck.  
'You don't have to worry about me, you know that Tris, and I love it when you wake me up,' He said. Yeah, I knew that. Of course I knew that, I've been doing it for days. Whenever I woke up first, I woke him up, too. But today was different. He needed the rest. He needed to tell Zeke and Hana about Uriah and it had to be soon.  
'Do you already know what you're going to say to Zeke and Hana?' It was a stupid question. Of course he didn't know that, I mean, who would? The hardest part of leaving the Compound was to leave Uriah behind. His fate was determined. Well, that's what I wanted to believe. I wasn't a big believer of anything, but it was different with Uriah situation. He didn't deserve this.  
'I'm praying for a miracle, but that's too cliché,' He said. He squeezed my hand and I could feel his nerves, even though we would visit them tomorrow. I had them, too, but I tried not to show them. I tried to stay as calm as I could for Tobias. He needed the calmness, he needed the support. I needed to be there for him.  
'I don't know, Tris, I just don't. How could you bring such news?' He asked. You couldn't. That was the point. You just couldn't bring it. But you had to.  
'We have to, Tobias,' I said. He just nodded his head. He knew that. 'And I'll be right beside you.' I know it was absurd to say that, because it wouldn't help a bit, but it was the only thing I could think of. I couldn't do much more. We couldn't do much more.

Tobias pressed me even more against him and I loved the feeling it gave me. I wanted to feel him, I wanted it so badly. I wanted to feel him everywhere, all over me, taste him, have him near me. I know I just got released from the hospital and I didn't care the doctors said I had to stay quiet, I wanted him. I've been in this room for a week now and I felt strong, healthier and recovered. Staying in bed all day and doing nothing wasn't me.  
Tobias stroked me cheek and without thinking I pressed my lips against his lips. His lips were soft and full and I couldn't think of something else. Tobias reacted directly and pressed his whole body against mine.  
His hand where everywhere. I didn't know where my body started and his ended and I didn't care. This moment, our moment, felt so perfect. It felt like flames were tickling my body. I felt so alive, so human, so me. I stroked through Tobias his hair and couldn't get my fingers out of it. His hair felt so soft.  
Tobias slowly pulled away and stared at me. His eyes were soft and I could get lost in them if I wanted to. We were both looking for breath.

'I've missed you,' he said. It's been days since we last kissed and that feeling was mutual. I've missed him, too. I've missed him so much.  
'I'm so sorry,' I said. I still felt so guilty and tried not to cry. I barely cried and now I couldn't hold the tears back. It was pathetic. I wanted to show Tobias that I was strong. I wanted to be strong for him, but somehow I couldn't do it anymore.  
'Hey,' he said while stroking my cheek. 'Don't say that. It's over now, you're here with me and I couldn't be more happy, you know that.' Of course I knew that. I felt his love every day. I couldn't live without his love.  
'I love you, Tris.' Even though Tobias said it a lot and I should be familiar with the words by now, it shocked me this time. It must be the guilt. I couldn't fight the guilt. And I know I should let it go, but you know, saying that is easier than just doing it.  
'I love you, too,' I said. He smiled every time I said it and it made me feel even more guiltier. I really loved Tobias, that wasn't the problem, I just felt so guilty because of that day. I can't forgot the pain in his eyes when I first woke up in the hospital. I wished I didn't leave him that day. I wished it didn't happen. I had to learn how to live with it. I had to learn to let it go, to give it a place deep down inside.

'Ready to go?' I asked. Everything was already packed, except for the things we needed today like clothes. We were good to go and I couldn't wait any longer.  
'I just want to say goodbye to Uriah first before we go.' It was around 9 am and I knew that was the time people began their day, which meant we were forced to see David. David wasn't much involved anymore, probably because of the things that happened and we were glad about that. But we still saw him. Seeing him was terrifying, every time again. He just smiled and said hello, but his eyes were so cold, so murderous.  
'Can I come with you?' I asked.  
'Of course you can,' He said. 'I actually would have asked you if you hadn't asked me that. I'm kind of scared to go alone, you know, since it's the last time I'll be seeing him.'  
His pain was visible through his eyes. Every emotion Tobias tried to hide, shined through in his eyes. The eyes are the mirror of the soul, something my dad thought me. He was right. I could see every emotion in Tobias' eyes, no matter how hard he tried.

Uriah lay there peacefully. I didn't want to see him like this. Uriah was a burst of energy and always wore a smile. This was so unlike Uriah. He was Zeke's little brother and Tobias had the responsibility to take care of him. Tobias cared for him like Uriah was his little brother. I felt his pain and I knew what he was going through. Pain demands to be felt.**(Author's note: I had to.)**  
Carefully, without touching the IV, I grabbed his hand and stroke it softly. Whenever I saw Uriah, I wished it was me instead of him. He didn't deserve this. He had a full life ahead of him.  
Out of sudden I felt the tiniest squeeze in my hand. I thought I would have dreamt it. It wasn't possible. The doctors said it couldn't be possible. But I had not dreamt it. I was here, fully attention on Uriah. My eyes moved toward his face and couldn't believe what they saw.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey! I just keep rambling about Tobias not wanting to say anything to Zeke and Hana, please forgive me for this. This is the last chapter about that. School's a bitch(sorry school!), because I'm like doing junior and senior year in one year. Like I do four subjects this year and three next year due to my illness. So the pile of homework is enormous, because I'm doing two years in one. Still trying to write, though, just wanted to let you guys know, because you've been waiting for this chapter.**

**TOBIAS**

'Tris, go get a doctor!' I nearly screamed. Uriah was blinking slowly and tried to open his eyes. How could this happen? How was this even possible? The doctors said he had a small chance to wake up. He was too far gone, according to them. They kept saying it. Eventually I started believing it.  
The doctor rushed in, moved me away and started doing tests. I just stood there, trying to let everything sink in, trying to stay calm, not to scream out of happiness because Uriah was awake.  
Tris was right beside me and squeezed my hand. I squeezed back, trying not to crush her hand of out excitement. I was so happy right now. Every little thing that had to do with Uriah shifted of my shoulder and fell on the ground. It felt like rocks were falling off my shoulders, because I felt so much lighter, so much more me. My skin felt more like skin.  
'I can't believe this has happened,' the doctor mumbled. Well, we shared the same thought.  
'Is he really awake?' I asked. Uriah looked so tired and pale, but still, he looked like Uriah. He was here and awake.  
'Yes, yes he is, I just don't know how this has happened,' the doctor said. That made me smile, because I always thought that doctors knew everything, but they were humans, too. People didn't know everything, something I understood now, because if we knew everything, there wouldn't be any adventures to be explored.

**(Author's note: getting to the point here, I don't know much about comas. Being honest, I did research and it's difficult to add it in the story, but I'm gonna try my hardest!)**

'I need to do more tests,' the doctor said. 'If you would be so kind to leave the room.'  
Tris and I left without asking or saying anything. We understood it. Uriah was in good hands, I supposed.

After about an hour, which seemed like ages, the doctor came back to us. Because Zeke and Hana weren't here, I was responsible for Uriah, so the doctor spook to me directly. He just nodded toward Tris.  
'I'm gonna get straight to the point,' he started. 'Uriah has a hard time ahead of him. He has to learn to walk again, it would be possible if he had concentration problems, because that happens a lot. It will be very hard for him and he really needs the support. He needs people who are there for him, who respect him and who will help him. It won't be easy.'  
I swallowed really hard. Of course I could expect this, Uriah's been in a coma for weeks. But it hadn't occurred to me that it would hit me this hard.  
Uriah was like a brother to me and full of life. He didn't deserve this. He was supposed to run around and to train in the Dauntless headquarters because he loved it so much. He loved to run around, he loved to train, to get better. Uriah wasn't a person that sat around all day, he couldn't sit still. He just couldn't because he had so much energy. I was hoping he would still be the same person, so full of positive energy, because he needed it. He needed it so badly.  
'I understand,' I said.  
'Do you know if he has any family?' the doctor asked. 'He needs them in this process and they need to know, too.'  
'Yes… Yes he has. I was planning on informing them today about his situation, but then he woke up,' I said. I sounded weird, so surreal. Somehow lame, too. 'But then he woke up.' Like that was my excuse to not tell Zeke and Hana. But still, I had to tell them. It was my fault. If I hadn't set off the explosions, Uriah wouldn't be hurt. I had made a promise to Zeke to protect Uriah and I failed. I failed as a friend.  
There was no right way to tell Zeke and Hana. I didn't even know how to tell them. They would probably hate me for doing this to Uriah, because somehow I did this. I didn't matter we did this with a group, it mattered because I was part of that group.  
'You should let them know immediately,' the doctor told me. I knew he was right, because I thought about it every day. It crossed my mind every second. The guilt never got usual.  
'I know, I really do,' I said. I didn't want to let the doctor know I was terrified, because I was. I had to act casual and be Four, the cold instructor everyone feared. But right now it was way too hard to be Four, because I kept going back to Tobias. Tobias was easier, suitable for Tris. Tris reminded me to be Tobias and every time I was around her I forgot Four. It was as simple as that. Tris made me want to be Tobias, she made me want to be my true self instead of acting like nothing hurt me and that I didn't care. Deep down inside I cared way too much.  
'Thank you, doctor,' Tris said instead of me. 'Let's go,' she said to me while she squeezed my hand.  
I wasn't ready to do this, I definitely wasn't.

'I'm not ready, Tris,' I said when we were back in our room. 'Like, I don't know how they're gonna react and I don't even know what to say.'  
'Tobias, we have to do this. I'm gonna be there for you, you know that. But we have to do this. Zeke and Hana especially need to know this,' Tris said. And she was right, she was so right. Hana was his mother for god-sake. I could teach a class of initiates and be cold and heartless, but I wasn't capable of telling such news. I mean, who was? Every time this topic came up, I just thought the same: I wasn't ready and capable of doing this. But I had to.  
'We have to go,' Tris said. 'Right now.'  
All though Tris was right in every aspect, I didn't want to. I really, really did not want to go. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I didn't want to lose Zeke and Hana. Hana treated me like her own child, Hana knew what I've been through, same things could be said about Zeke. Zeke was my best friend and I failed him in the most important thing: Uriah. Protecting and taking care of Uriah. Uriah was his brother for god sake.  
'I know,' I said. I didn't even know what to say. I needed more words to express myself, more letters to make the words I wanted to say. But the alphabet wasn't large enough to express my apology. No word could ever make this right. No expression, no emotion, no explanation was good enough. There was simply nothing to say that could ever make this right.  
Tris grabbed our bags and put some clothes in it, because we still had to pack clothes. I thought about all the things me and Uriah and Zeke had done when I was in initiation. Uriah was fourteen, me and Zeke sixteen.  
Uriah running after Zeke in the Pit, throwing water balloons at him and laughing harder than anyone ever could. I remember how much his face beamed. Uriah loved to tease Zeke and invented everything he could to keep going with it. Or the time Uriah first hit the target after missing hundreds of times. He first sucked at shooting with a gun, but he learned fast. Uriah's always been a fast learner.  
All though Zeke showed the rest of the world he hated the teasing, deep down inside he loved it. Their father died when they were both little, so Zeke was the oldest boy in their family. Zeke cared so much for Uriah and loved him so much. It would break his heart when he heard this.  
'I just don't know what to do, Tris,' I said. I didn't even sound like Tobias nor Four. I sounded like a person who's lost their mind. I didn't even feel like me, because I didn't know who was 'me'. If there even was a 'me'.  
'I just, I was so happy, you know? When Uriah woke up. But now I feel lost, like someone took a piece of me and didn't give it back. It'll break their hearts, Tris. I can't just say it. All the words in this world could never make this right.'  
'I know,' Tris said. 'But without saying anything you give them more pain and I will be right there.'  
Tris was right. What am I saying? Tris was always right. Well, most of the time. I needed to do this, the sooner I did it, the sooner it was over and the sooner Uriah could see his family, which was the priority right now.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi, hello! Again, I am so sorry it took me a week! School's hectic, my home situation, too. Hope you enjoy it.**

TRIS

It felt good to be on the road. The bumpy roads didn't make me think much about Zeke and Hana. I always liked traveling, especially by train. I never knew why I liked it so much, but this road trip gave the answer. It made my head clear, it calmed me down. The view was pathetic. You could see the war destroyed it. Trees were lying over the road and the man who drove the car – I didn't know him – had to avoid every single one of them. You could see he was used to is. His drive style was comforting. The first time we drove this road was horrible. I couldn't remember who the driver was, must have been because me nearly dying. But I remember how the ride felt. And let me tell you, it wasn't great.  
Tobias kept looking out of the window. If you just looked at his face you couldn't see he was nervous, because he trained himself to let it all inside. Tobias knew how to hide his feelings, but most of the time he forgot something. He fumbled. I couldn't blame him, I did the same thing. He fumbled with his nails. His fingernails were completely gnawed.  
I wanted to be there for him, wanted to take away this burden, this guilt he felt. But it could never be, because I could only support him, I could only give him my love. It was so frustrating all the time. I knew how it was for him, I felt guilt, too, that's why I knew I couldn't help him. Because in life you have to do things on your own. You have to discover adventures, you have to feel pain to find out there's also joy, you have to experience it, you have to live it. And right now, Tobias nor I were living life. Right now we were surviving with teeth clenched together and biting our tongue to not scream out of pain. And I knew we could find joy again, I knew we could survive this, of course we could, we survived a lot of things, but not today. Not tomorrow and definitely not next week. Time heals almost every wound and we just had to give it time.  
Somehow, despite every obstacle, I found joy in our little road trip toward the Dauntless headquarters. I did not want to waste this moonlight. I did not want to worry about the future because it ruined my little moment of joy. I had to remind myself that I had to live in the here and now. Because that was important right now. Our obstacles would come again, only not now. Later. Our road trip wasn't over yet.

The city or Chicago – how it's originally called – looked like a ghost town. As soon as we entered I was afraid that the Factionless would surround around our jeep, but it stayed quiet.  
I remembered houses with the lights on, cozy and warm. People snuggled against each other on the couch. Sadly, nothing was left of it. Everything was dark, cold and abandoned. I had no idea what was going, well, that wasn't entirely true, I knew exactly what was going on. Or better: who was going on. Evelyn and Marcus had done this. Due to their fight the whole city suffered. Our faction were gone. And the ones that were still there, didn't have any meaning. You chose Evelyn and the Factionless or you chose Marcus, trying to get the factions back. But nothing worked, because Marcus and Evelyn were trying to own our city. They didn't think about 'their' people, no, they only thought about themselves because they were selfish. Funny to finally say it, since they were both from Abnegation.  
I knew how difficult this was for Tobias. Losing his mother at a young age – then later finding out his mother's still alive ánd planning to take Marcus down – Marcus beating him up. I had no words for him to make him feel better. I guess there weren't no comforting words to ever make this right.  
Tobias had to make so many decisions in his short life and I envied him for that. Not because I wanted the same, but because he stayed strong during every obstacle in his life.

Our driver – I still did not know his name – stopped right before the Dauntless headquarters. It was good to be back, also weird, but nice. I never knew how much I could miss home, or something I called home for the last couple of weeks, but I did. This place has so much memories, good and bad ones, that it felt good to be back. Although we didn't came here with good news, I couldn't be more happy to be finally home.  
Tobias grabbed my hand as soon as we got out of the jeep. He squeezed my hand hard, knowing I could take it and showing that he did not like it, that he was nervous. I squeezed back, showing him my love and support because I thought he should know, even though he probably already did. It didn't matter to me that I kept saying it to him, I just wanted him to believe it. To feel loved, to be whole. I couldn't do much more, because it was beyond my power to do much more. I could just be there, be there for him, hold him when he needed to be held, hug him when he needed the love and kiss him when he needed the affection. And I did it all, I did with all my love I had for him. Our love never stopped and I didn't even know where it began.

Zeke and Hana lived in the Dauntless headquarters, like all of the Dauntless members. I had never been to their apartment and now wasn't the time to worry about that.  
Tobias squeezed my hand one more time before he knocked on the door. It was a soft knock, full of nerves and sadness, but somehow it showed his confidence. Tobias couldn't be easily brought down, he was too strong for that and he knew that, he just needed a reminder once in a while and that was okay. Because I needed reminders all the time.  
Hana opened the door and looked at us with shock and gratitude. My heart broke. My heart broke way too many times and was broken was too many times. It needed time to heal again, time to rest, but in situations like this that wasn't an alternative.  
'Four! Tris!' Hana exclaimed. 'What are you doing here? I thought you guys left the city.'  
Tobias wobbled back and forth. I tried to stay calm because it was the only thing I had to do during this conversation. I couldn't panic right now. Tobias had to see that he could find the calmness, too. Of course I kinda died inside, I mean, who wouldn't in some situation? But hey, I was allowed to panic deep down inside. I kept saying that to myself anyway. As long as it wasn't visible on the outside, everything was okay.  
I squeezed Tobias hand one more time and tried to find the words to say something.  
'We were, yeah,' I said. 'But we needed to tell you something first. Something important.'  
I knew it had made an impression on Hana and Zeke who joined us, too. Hana looked scared and Zeke looked at Tobias with an angry look on his face. I knew that look damn well. Zeke had it every time he thought something was wrong with Uriah.  
'I… I need to tell you something,' Tobias started. 'If we could take a seat, please?'  
Hana and Zeke sat down next to each other on a couch. Tobias and I took a chair. Well, Tobias took the chair and I took the armrest. It was inappropriate to sit on his lap right now.  
'There was an explosion,' Tobias said. It just rolled over his tongue. He didn't stutter, he didn't shiver, he just said it. It felt proud of him. What am I saying? I was always proud of him.  
Zeke and Hana looked at each other in shock. They just didn't know what happened to Uriah, yet. Tobias still needed to tell them that Uriah was paralyzed. Yes, Uriah was paralyzed due to his coma, but he had a great chance to walk again. It just took a lot of time. He had to learn it again.  
'Uriah got hit…' Tobias said. I saw the pain through his eyes. By the end he said the word 'hit' his voice was somehow shaking. And that meant something, because Tobias never cried. Tobias never showed true feelings near other people. It showed how much he cared about Uriah.  
I know Hana was a strong woman who never cried, but I saw tears in her eyes. Same for Zeke. Zeke was such a strong boy – who hid his feelings – but this really hurt him. Their feelings broke my heart even more. I couldn't just see these lovely people getting hurt.  
'How is he?' Hana asked.


	6. Chapter 6

**I am so sorry for taking so long! It has been three(?) months since I uploaded and I swear, I'm ashamed. Things got complicated back home and with school, kinda with everything. And of course I had a writers-block, still have, so suggestions, ideas, AU ideas, anything, is very welcome. I love to do AU's if you'd like. Also, I got addicted to Arrow. Love to write about Olicity or someone else. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it and I promise to update more frequently! Merry Christmas!**

TOBIAS

How was he? God, I didn't even know how to respond to that question. Well, he obviously wasn't okay. I expected them to be more upset, to yell at me or something, but they didn't. Somehow I could have known this, since they were Dauntless. Perhaps I wanted them to be angry. To feel the pain I caused them. I knew how much pain they've been through, because of Uriah and Zeke's father. I didn't want them to feel more pain. Yes, they were Dauntless, but that didn't mean they deserved this. Hana and Zeke were such strong people, I always envied them.

'He's in the hospital right now,' I said. 'He needs to learn to walk again due to his coma.'

It sounded ridiculous. Of course it sounded ridiculous because I couldn't sugar-coat it. I couldn't make it better. I couldn't turn back time and do it all over again. How much I wanted to take Uriah's place.

Hana gasped for air and Zeke looked devastated.

'Uriah needs you.'

The words and their faces kept echoing in my head. They were too Dauntless for this subject, especially for Uriah. I expected more emotions, more screaming, more 'Tobias we never want to see you again', but I guess I was wrong about them. But somehow I was right, too. Yes, they were Dauntless and yes Uriah was family, but somehow they showed emotion. Somehow they showed me they cared for him. By being strong. By staying strong.

'We don't blame you,' Hana her voice keeps echoing in my mind. Still, I blame myself the most. This should not have happened. If I just knew Uriah was there at that time or if I knew it was a bomb, I wouldn't have done it. But that's afterwards. I can't change the past, even though I would love to do it, it's impossible. And somehow I don't want to change the past, because if I did, I would have changed myself, too. I'm proud of who I am, well, sometimes. I'm Dauntless, I'm strong, but that doesn't mean I don't make mistakes. It means I'm human. And sadly, humans make mistakes. Someone once told me when all is done, there's nothing more to say. He was right.

Hana and Zeke went to the Compound to take care of Uriah and to support him. Tris and I stayed. We still needed to take care of Marcus and Evelyn. I just didn't know how. The city was a mess and no one took the courage to do something about it. It drove me mad. My parents, the only two parents I despised and still needed at the same time, were fighting over something stupid: power.

Of course I could expect this. Evelyn wanted to take Marcus down and Marcus Evelyn. Marcus was a self-centred, narcissistic, unhuman being. I always thought Evelyn would be my mother again, but the second I saw her on that train I knew I was wrong. My mother died that night, too. I don't know what happened to her or what kind of things she had to overcome, but I can guess it was all because of Marcus. Marcus ruined us. But still, I couldn't pick Evelyn her side, nor Marcus'. I didn't believe in them, I believed in the city. Well, I wanted to believe in the city. In many ways.

The person who broke you, can't always be the person to fix you. Most of the time you have to fix yourself or find a way to deal with it or just find peace in someone else. I realize that Evelyn or Marcus or whoever I can lay my finger on, can't be the one to fix me. I mean, I'm already broken. But broken doesn't mean I'm not capable of something. Broken certainly doesn't mean that I'm gone or something. It just means that I have to put my pieces back together and fight for the things I want to fight for. It doesn't have to be perfect to be exactly what I need. It just has to be there. I mean, it's my home. I want to fight for my home and what's left of it.

'Tobias?' Someone called. I snapped out of my thoughts and looked around, finding Tris looking at me with worried eyes. Her face softened when I looked at her and did my very best to smile. I wasn't really a person that smiled a lot. Well, I actually didn't smile or laugh or pushed the sides of my mouth a little bit higher. I did it sometimes. When it was necessary and when I was with Tris, because Tris made me smile and made me want to. Tris always lightened my days even when I didn't even felt like it.

'You okay? I called your name for like three times,' She said. 'You look like you could use some sleep.'

She was right. I hadn't slept in days, which wasn't weird because everything kept me up at night. But still, I craved for a full night of sleep with Tris next to me.

'I could, actually,' I said. 'Haven't slept in days.' I didn't even know what time it was. Mostly I found my bed around 4 in the morning, if I even got to it. But I knew that Tris was right and besides, I craved sleep. I craved much more right now. Peace, love, family. I always compared those things with Tris, because Tris was that for me. The words 'I'm your family know' still crossed my mind. I knew I had said them because Tris didn't have a family anymore and because she felt like home, but I also said them because I needed a home. I needed a family. I just needed someone to return to and someone to love and be loved. It sounded so easy, but was so hard to actually fulfil. But right now, even though everything was a mess and everything would be a mess for a while, right now it felt easy. It felt easy to be myself when I was with Tris, to be Tobias instead of Four, to let everything go and just enjoy the moment. Everyone knew that Four was this cold instructor, but people actually didn't know that Tobias could be a warm person. Tris knew, thankfully.

'Come on,' Tris said. 'I could use some sleep, too.'

It didn't take long before I felt Tris cuddled up against me and before I could feel myself drifting of. Sleep never felt so good.

_'__TOBIAS!' Someone shouted. I couldn't make up whose voice it was. Everything seemed blurry, vague. I tried to open my eyes, but they didn't listen to me. They felt so heavy, so unreal, so not mine. The universe seemed nothing compared to this. Fire was everywhere, licking my ankles and tickling my waist. _

_'__Get away from there!' The person shouted. Until then it didn't even occur to me that these flames licking at me ankles were dangerous. I kind of liked the feeling. I didn't bother to escape until I saw what person belonged to the screams. Tris. Always Tris. _

_'__Get away from there, Tris!' I screamed. My voice didn't even sound like my voice. It felt like Tris didn't even hear me. She kept screaming at me and the more she screamed, the higher the flames became. They surrounded me and her. The more I tried to fight mine, the more the licked at me ankles. I felt like losing my own fear landscape, but this was reality. If it was reality. It felt so real. _

_'__TRIS!' I screamed. I felt tears burning in my eyes and I wasn't a crier. I mean, I never cried. It's like after all those years of pushing every emotion aside, someone finally tuned on my switch. _

_Before I knew it I saw Tris jumping off of the building. I suppose it was a building because the wind was blowing so hard I couldn't even hear my own thoughts and I felt a fear running through my body. Heights._

_'__NO!' I screamed. _


End file.
